From an introverted outsider

i came into contact with the subject of therapy at an early age. as a child and as a teenager i had undefined fears and couldn’t fall asleep in the evening. even then, too many thoughts were circulating through my head. at 16 or 17 i did my first psychotherapy to solve my undefined fears. my parents said that i needed help from others because they said it would be better when someone else did it not themselves. I think they had many unsolved problems themselves and felt overwhelmed. in a later therapy in my mid-20s, which i did because i did not dare to approach girls and get into relationships, i digged deeper and found that both of my parents’ families had a weakened male proportion. i think i had kind of adopted it and felt always inferior back then. my father even told me that he had to fight with fears almost all his life, probably due to his childhood. 

I was a small, frail and shy boy. I was always very creative and drew comics as a child. I learned to play the drums as a child. i only learned to play the guitar at the age of 20. Before that I wanted to become a rapper and published my own tracks together with my childhood friend Tommy. 

It was only in the further process of my development as an artist that I learned to appreciate the music of the 60s and 70s. This inspired me so immensely that I wanted to become a songwriter and shortly after that I met my songwriting soul mate Alex. From then until today we write songs together. 

At school I was an introvert, too afraid to show my feelings or to speak my mind. In school I was an outsider. I was shy, anxious and physically the smallest in class. I was mobbed at school and only had one good friend. I felt disconnected from the rest of my class and was staying at home by myself more and more. I felt lonely and misunderstood, but I found music and it saved my life. 

I had some outsider friends in my neighborhood who I was hanging out with regularly. With my best friend Tommy I started listening to angry hardcore rap music like ICP and Horrorcore stuff that probably was quite shocking to others. But the music was kind of expressing how we felt. I also was quite obsessed with Eminem from that time on. We joined a movement of ICP fans that called themselves Juggalos that had its own alternative culture, music taste, kind of humor, fashion and certain interests like underground rap music & wrestling.

That gave us the creative space we needed to start our own music project horrorcore rap. For me it was the perfect catalyst for my own struggles and problems in life. It was also an excuse to skip all other social events and stay in my cave. For instance, I was too shy to ever talk to a girl that I liked and with my music finally had a stage where I could address that. Rather than going to school I created a whole LP within a few months. I put all my focus, time and energy into my music back from that point on. The music was very dark and desperate. I was definitely in a crisis of meaning at a young age. But I had found an obsession in music to put all my energy into. I started playing guitar very late at the age of 22/23 (through a friend who had a band) but back then I didn’t believe in myself that I would ever play music on it myself.. 

I also was heavily confronted with failure in my life during that time. First, I failed my final exams. I was still an outsider in school and only had a few friends. I tried to stay away from school as much as possible and also didn’t enjoy studying at home. I’d rather spend my time with Tommy and create music. Our sound evolved a bit and we finally got signed to an independent hip hop label called King ov Kings Records. Also back then, my parents divorced and my father left our home which was quite delusional for me at that time. It was like my whole picture I had of family started to crumble down. I had left school already and started a Voluntary Social Year at a facility for disabled people. In my search for answers to my questions and a meaning in life, I devoured numerous self-help books, books on psychology, spirituality and positive thinking in my early 20s. It widened my horizon and changed my life because I realized: everything is possible! But I was consuming all that wisdom only on the surface and hardly brought those concepts into my life. After my Voluntary Social Year I started an education as an occupational therapist. I was quite sure that I would never have to work in that job because I would become a rockstar before. But my parents (who didn’t seem to believe in my musical plans that much) told me it was safer to have a job as a backup. At that time we also started drinking alcohol and smoking pot heavily. So we started spending more and more time getting high and being unproductive instead of making music. As a consequence we got dropped from our label without even putting out an EP or LP 2 years later.

The apartment where I grew up with my family had dissolved and I moved into my own apartment together with Tommy. After a few years of endless parties and chaos we decided to make a next step and form a hip hop band to play shows and go on tour. So Tommy and me started „The whole damn show“ which was later renamed to „The unique league“. We started playing life shows for 1-2 years and it was a great time, even though we didn’t have many fans that were coming to our shows. We felt like we were really making steps forward, had some great songs and even started recording an EP. Unfortunately the band split due to arguments between single band members who had different expectations of our journey. 

Also for the first time between me and my partner Tommy things were starting to get complicated while we started arguing more and more. One day I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. I realized that it couldn’t go on like this, that this fucked up lifestyle with drugs and alcohol destroyed me. Then I made a decision and moved out of our apartment, which caused lasting damage to our relationship. But I had to do it to stop procrastinating and also finish my education. Also I was heavily evolving musically during that time, started singing, playing guitar and becoming a songwriter. Being a rapper just wasn’t enough for me anymore. I was heavily inspired by the Beatles during that time. At the same time I met my later co-writing partner Alex. She took my obsession I had for songwriting and showed me that I could actually do it myself. We started becoming good friends and writing songs together from then on. With Alex another person stepped into my life which was Percy an old, experienced musician who acted as a mentor for me and Alex. I started massively writing songs and creativity just seemed to flow out of me. I was kind of sobering out and getting aware of myself. This led to my most advanced and mature stuff I had written so far and that I was really proud of.

As I followed my path, my friendship with Tommy also kind of ended due to my own recklessness. So I found myself being on my own for the first time since way back being an outsider.

I started feeling quite alone as I realized that Alex was a great songwriting partner but she couldn’t fill the hole that Tommy left in my life. Also I haven’t had a girlfriend in years which was even more of a burden for me. So I finally started struggling and not making progress musically. Instead of going out and meeting new people, I started staying at home again more and more.

My musical inspiration started to drop as I realized my musical education was not very great in other words I wasn’t good at singing or playing guitar. I had started a new band at that time with two older mates. The problem was that they didn’t really understand my vision and it probably was more hurting than helping. I also started taking vocal lessons and my teacher back then even introduced me to her choir. So I started to take musical lessons and met some new people who liked my stuff. I had a vocal teacher who was kind of a mentor for me but she couldn’t support me when I really needed her. They told me my songs had potential and should take the next step to bring my music to a bigger audience. But I was too afraid. I just hadn’t the belief and courage to go to open mic sessions and to bring my music forward. I also didn’t have a circle of friends that were supportive for my art. So on the one hand I was heavily inspired during all that time, excessively listening to music and also playing with friends. But on the other hand I never took the next step forward because that doubt and anxiety from back then was still inside me.

As I got into financial struggles more and more I had to take jobs that I suffered in but had to do in order to survive. So I started a job at a gas station just to bring some money in. At the same time I got a better opportunity to work in the job that I had originally learned as an occupational therapist. As I was making a substantial income and paying off my debts I could spend less time making music. It felt like my creativity and inspiration was slowly fading. When I was finally making good money I found myself back in a hamster wheel but my passion was slipping away in front of my eyes. At the same time I met my future wife Phidievna. She wasn’t really into music and arts which was kind of a contradiction to my own personality. But she brought love, trust and stability into my life. But our relationship was very difficult but that’s a story of its own. She also made me more open minded to different cultures as she took me to her native country Cameroon.

In order to save my artistry, I made a decision to invest several thousand bucks and join a musical education part time at SAE institute in Hamburg while I was working full time as an occupational therapist. I learned a lot about producing and started working on my songs in a studio which I always had dreamed of. Unfortunately I was lacking focus because I was studying in the evening hours after my job being heavily tired. But what I didn’t notice was that I was alienating from my artist identity as I was heavily focused on technical aspects and recording equipment. I had musicians playing all the instruments but when it was time to record the vocals I wasn’t feeling the songs anymore. Simply put: I failed at trying to be the singer and procure at the same time. Also the musical arrangements were not suitable as I gave the musicians too much space for interpretation. So I had these high quality recordings but with bad vocals and musical styles all over the place. That led to having not the right songs recorded and they were pretty useless to me which was a huge frustration. I was doubting my craft and my songs again heavily. 

I started some heartless attempts to promote and to send out some demos but I didn’t believe in the music I had produced. As a consequence I felt so frustrated because i had put all of this energy in this project and now it felt like it wasnt good enough. Looking back now, I like some of it quite well, but back then I had no one who could give me advice at that time. I quit making music because somehow I did not know how to go on and started to focus on other topics in my life like business and making money online. Alternating stages of musical abstinence, Writing, recording & producing music and being frustrated again stretched over several years. It was a painful time in which I had never felt as empty as before. But I just couldn’t let go off my music after all those years. Music had literally influenced who I was in my life more than anything else ever.

I started seeing some success in the ecommerce space while I was building shops and selling products with passion. Also I had been seeing some musical glimpses of hope while I was occasionally recording music in my home studio with former bandmate Gabo de Leon. Also over all the years I had continued to write with my songwriting partner Alex even though the cooperation was not as fruitful as in the past.
On September 6th 2017 my daughter Noelie was born which had a major impact on my life. At that time I was no longer making music and was very immersed in the online business world. The birth and a business setback made me think about what I actually want in life. I realized that I am an artist andalways want to be. Because I had been busy with business opportunities, I had suddenly found the opportunity to sell beats online. This again led me to produce music regularly. With my daughter as an inspiration I finally found my creativity back and was determined to pursue my songwriting dreams again. Through books, online training, seminars and masterminds I was now much more confident and had a much better mindset. I was able to use the Corona Timeout as a catalyst to bring my self-awareness one level higher and finally started working on new and old songs again. During this time I had countless epiphanies and really got to the core of my existence. I realized that I’m in this this to serve other people through my songs. Around July 2020 I could finally release my first single called “The gratitude song”.